Before we start, let me tell you about a client named Jon.
Jon contacted me because his marriage was failing. He told me that In the beginning, things were great. Jon and his wife were in love, had sex frequently, and spent hours talking about their future together. But the spark wasn't there after a few years of marriage, a few kids, and a mortgage. When Jon looked at her across the dinner table, he felt hopeless, and each night, as they went to bed in silence, he felt a deep sense of boredom, apathy, and frustration.
When Jon would approach his wife for sex, it was most often met with her being too tired or that she didn't feel "sexy" and brushed off his advances. Then, when they did have sex, it felt like she was just "there" and not that into it. "Where had the passion gone? Am I a terrible lover?" he asked himself. When he thought about it, It had been decades since she had initiated sex. As a result, he felt unwanted and rejected sexually, as he did with most other things in his marriage.
Jon often thought of leaving her and starting over. But he didn't want his kids to suffer. Instead, Jon wanted to be a father and provider and create stability in their lives. He knew what it was like to have his father leave when he was only ten years old. So he became his mother's "little man" and tried never to disappoint her.
Looking at it logically, he and his wife were so intertwined because of their finances. Jon knew if he left, he would lose half of what he had worked for his entire life. When he did the research, he realized he would also give his wife sixty percent of his income for spousal and child support. Life was already a financial struggle; Jon couldn't imagine living on 40% of his salary. Besides, he was worried that if he left her, there was a good chance he'd find himself in the same position within a few years with a different woman.
Jon told me that when he would approach his wife on the topic of their marriage, she would say that he was the one with the problem. He was the one that needed to change. If he stopped doing the things that were pissing her off, everything would be fine. Jon was tired of always having the same conversation over and over again.
One day, Jon was on Amazon, and the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" came up as something he might be interested in reading. The book title caught his eye, and he read the description. Jon downloaded the book and began to read. Within a few pages, Jon said, "Holly Cow, this is me!" He read on with excitement that he might just have stumbled to the solution.
Later that day, eager to share with his wife what he found within the pages of Dr. Glover's work, he told his wife that the problem was that he was a "Nice Guy." His wife rolled her eyes and said, "that's nice." Jon's feelings were hurt, and he said, "You don't understand. I've found something that is a game changer for us." His wife shrugged with frustration and said, "I've heard this before. You'll do good for a couple of weeks, but everything will return to how they've always been. I'm tired of being hopeful."
Jon was determined not to let this happen. He decided to hire me as his coach. And things finally did change. Jon realized that he had made his wife the emotional center of his universe early in their relationship. He discovered that he had given his wife all the power—the power to validate him and inadvertently the power to invalidate him.
As we worked together, Jon realized that some deeper wounds had created erroneous beliefs about himself, and it was within these beliefs that his Nice Guy behavior eroded his marriage. He realized that he and been using alcohol as a way to quench the pain, that he looked at porn to fill the void and emersed himself in work to avoid being at home.
The funny thing was, as Jon began to change in how he showed up in his marriage, his wife started to change too. She started to open up slowly. She began to trust him and even found him attractive again.
Through our work together, Jon started to learn how to live in his masculine energy. As a child, Jon learned that masculinity was dangerous, harmful, and caused pain. As a result, he had well-developed feminine energy because his mother wanted him to remain her 'little boy," and he stayed in that state throughout his marriage. No wonder his wife wasn't attracted to him. She didn't want a boy or a neutered husband.
Instead, she wanted and desired a confident man. One who knew what he wanted in life. A man who loved himself as much as he loved her and their children. It seemed counterintuitive, but when Jon put his needs first, did the things that scared him, stopped taking things personally, and set the tone, his wife responded with an attraction as she had never had for him in the past. "She even initiated sex!" Jon told me in one of our sessions.
Over the past decade, I've helped hundreds of men, just like Jon, shed their Nice Guy behaviors, and create dynamic, loving, and robust relationships. It's not easy; it takes diligence and commitment. The men who have walked this path either changed the dynamics in their current relationships or found the strength to leave a relationship that had died long ago. Either way, Jon created new healthy, lasting partnerships with someone who loved them in the way they deserved to be loved.
If you've read this far, you likely can relate to Jon. You're probably at a similar crossroad. Here's the thing, you can keep doing what you've done and hope for a different result, or you can make a bold move and invest in your future.
Can I Afford Coaching with Chuck?
The coaching I do is a long-term commitment – at least six months and usually a year or more.
As a result, I don’t charge by “per session.” My fees are based on the value of your marriage or partnership and the value of never making the same mistakes again.
The men I work with consider working with me to be an investment rather than something they are trying out to see if it works. My clients approach the coaching process intending to make significant changes in their lives and relationships.
The skills these men learn and their decisions are life-changing and will affect future generations. If you are ready to go all in and do what it takes, I invite you to fill out the form below. I’ll get back to you and do what I can to help you find the right fit.