Rule Number Twenty-Five for Overcoming the Nice Guy SyndromeFeb 19, 2020
In the book No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Glover poses this question: "Why would it seem rational for a person to try to eliminate or hide certain things about himself and try to become something different unless there was a significant compelling reason for him to do so? Why
do people try to change who they really are?"
The answer Dr. Glover offers is "Becoming a Nice Guy is a way of
coping with situations where it does not feel safe or acceptable for a boy or man to be just who he is. Further, the only thing that would make a child or an adult sacrifice one's self by trying to become something
different is a belief that being just who he is must be a bad and/or dangerous thing."
During our early childhood development, if we are taught that there are things about our selves that are unacceptable, we learn to hide those behaviors. For example, a boy who is taught that sex is "bad", and "dangrouse" will grow up learning to hide his sexuality. He then suppresses his natural desires and acts out in hidden ways to get his needs met. When he does act sexually, the Nice Guy feels an excessive amount of toxic shame, which increases his belief that he is "bad" and must hide his behaviors. His behavior then becomes a cycle of natural desire, acting out, hiding his behavior, then shame.
The integrated man does not do anything in secret. He doesn't brag, but he isn't ashamed either. He knows who he is and acts per his values. If one of his values is authenticity, he freely shares his mistakes and blunders with others without feeling the toxic shame. The integrated man does nothing in secret, and his life is an open book. The practice of boldly exposing any perceived flaws is a practice that leads to total integration and acceptance of self. When Nice Guy realizes that there is no need to hide, the man becomes fully integrated.
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